Choosing your words

Director Huy said sternly:

• You lot, take my car and get it washed.
  An employee named Hoàng answered "Yes, sir" and took the car to be washed.
  When Hoàng brought the car back, Deputy Director Tuyết called him over and said:
• Hoàng, could you do something for me? Take that stack of papers to the shop and have it bound neatly. Thank you so much.
  Hoàng answered "Yes" and took the papers away.
  That evening, when Hoàng got home, his wife asked:
• Was work fun today?
  Hoàng replied:
• It was ordinary, dear. But the more you knock around at work, the more lessons you learn in life. My director has to use his authority whenever he orders anything. The deputy director, on the other hand, asks politely and sweetly. As an employee, of course I have to obey either way, but receiving an order tensely leaves me feeling slightly hurt, while receiving one politely leaves me feeling cheerful. Being hurt for a long time leaves the mind oppressed; being cheerful for a long time leaves the mind relieved.
  I don't understand why the director must give orders so tensely when there's no need. With Tuyết, the deputy director, who speaks sweetly, I feel cheerful and have the strength to give my all. Authority makes me afraid, a bit uncomfortable, perhaps even a little resentful. Politeness makes me happy, and probably leaves me feeling well disposed towards the person. The same content can be said politely. Why say it tensely and cause bad feeling?
  Hoàng's wife said:
• When I was at school I noticed this too. The same lesson, and one teacher taught it so tensely that it was exhausting to listen to, while another taught gently and it was pleasant to listen to. I didn't understand why then, because I was too young.
  Hoàng said:
• When I joined this company and met the opposite temperaments of the director and the deputy director, I drew a lesson for myself. Since then, whatever I say to whomever, I try to choose a polite, gentle, courteous manner. And I've found things go more smoothly. Even in a heated argument, I try to restrain myself and choose respectful words. Afterwards sometimes I lose, but when I lose there's no lingering anger or resentment. And once they've won, they become good friends with me. It's nice to think of it that way. 👩‍💼

Our ancestors left an immortal saying: "Words cost nothing to buy, so choose them to please one another." Here we mean choosing our manner in speaking so as to please one another. Ordinarily, when there is nothing to deal with, we keep a "nothing in particular" manner, but as soon as there is something to deal with, our manner changes at once. In matters of winning and losing, interests, honour, prestige or power, we often adopt an attitude of "showing authority" to intimidate others. This ailment is quite common.
If we have a heart that respects everyone, we will like to use a polite, warm manner in conversation. Even when we are the boss, when giving orders we can perfectly well use a gentle, warm manner. An order wrapped in affectionate words is usually very lastingly effective. An order is an obligation, and we may add an authoritative manner to it; but if we do the opposite and give an order in an affectionate manner, our subordinates are deeply moved and try to complete the task.

Some will object that, for example, in defending the country, in a critical situation, if one does not show authority the soldiers will not be afraid and charge forward. In fact the army already has strict discipline: a military order is as firm as a mountain, and whoever fails to carry out a commander's order is promptly dealt with by a military court. But a commander's affectionate order makes soldiers keep in mind love of country, love of comrades and love of compatriots. Those sacred and noble feelings are wrapped in the commander's affectionate order. If a commander habitually uses authority to give orders, subordinates still have to obey, but they do it out of fear, and they do it without carrying love and ideals in their hearts.

In a society with ever higher knowledge, people need gradually to drop harmful emotionalism and behave only according to reason. This is in line with the law, that accords with what is right, that carries a moral principle... so it must be done. If we use feeling and reason to show everyone what is right and wrong, they will follow with an easy mind. There's no need to go to the trouble of wrapping our words in a pointlessly tense, authoritative manner.

Speaking in a gentle, polite, warm manner also benefits ourselves; it also makes our own minds more at ease and relaxed.